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I think about this when I go to sitting groups and hear people talk about the frustration of sooo wanting to be ok with circumstances around them as they are. I think the 12 steppers call it life on life’s terms and the Buddhist’s talk about equanimity.

As the person with the raised hand and the sense of failure goes on to describe the situation and the space between where s/he feels s/he ought to be and where s/he is, I start to feel myself getting on board thinking, “Yes, me too. I am happy when things are going my way…for a time when they aren’t, then I lose it under the pressure of trying to stick with a not so newly minted value system, but not the default one for sure…I’m still getting this, sigh!”

Then the monk will be quiet for some time and find some eloquent way of helping us laugh at ourselves and some incredibly succinct way to point out that the person speaking is still a human and that this is indeed the human condition. So why is there this expectation that it will be different?

In other words, I get involved in life, I become passionate…thank goodness we do not get so beaten down by circumstances and all of the things we have and do overcome that we lose our abilities to ignite over a spark of an idea.

Then a sharp, cold breeze of questioning, or simply “the way things are”, comes along and we are suddenly struggling to keep our little flame going.
Was that breeze just happening along? Or was it intended for us as a message? Maybe the, you’re-on-the-wrong-path
kind of message, turn back while you still can?
Plus the extra energy of building the flame back up…
And what if it is a windy season (which I don’t know if you have noticed, as I step outside this metaphor in a PowerPath sort of way, but it has been the windiest season in Bay Area history for some time, and as Chinese medicine warns, if you have our kind of liver/kidney combination-I’m just sayin’”! )?
Then we get all aflutter between the energy of keeping our flame going and the self doubt and maybe some self pity creeps in….all of these are human and understandable and what is strange is how we consistently expect to have some other kind of experience.

Like tomorrow I will wake up and only react like a firefly, or a bee… I will it to be so I WILL IT TO BE SO!! I will simply know my duties and simply do them I will.

It is nice to be in the manifesting, warm, relaxing waters of the flow of the plan you had set up.
And the immediate forgetfulness that drops in about the fear and worry that things were really NOT going to work out this time is a lovely kind of lemonade fog.

But I wonder today what gifts the rough waters have for us…
that get left so quickly behind.

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Have you ever thought about the human experience? This ability to ponder perfection, but never achieve it? The capacity to understand what makes us feel better and the agency NOT to do it? It seems to be a frustrating experience a lot of the time. Especially when faced with information from a recent study that, the human brain, when placed in situations in which it is flooded with good feeling, immediately seeks to recreate that situation. “There is no organic period of reflective satisfaction.” Yes, it has to be said, Mick knew all along.

Our lives are filled with in between places. We move from stage to stage, place to place, career to career, relationship to relationship…but we don’t talk much about the place in between. You were just downsized from a job you despised. But you have no idea what to do next. You made a commitment to quit yelling. Now you suddenly realize you don’t know how else to express anger. You made a decision to not be friends with that kind of person anymore…then you realize, almost ALL your friends are that kind of person. How do you make new friends (hard enough) without falling into old patterns?  Crossing the stream when the rocks are mossy and wet is already a challenge. What’s the plan when you can’t see the rocks?

Being in an in between place, no matter of what sort, can touch on every single one of a person’s insecurities. An in between place can paralyze you, make you question the quality of your ideas, doubt your every thought, and wonder how you ever were that person who seemed to have it together. All of this is completely normal,  despite the discomfort. It’s not you, it’s the in between place! These places are better known as transitions.

There are some really simple ways to help yourself through transitions. And simple turns out to be very appropriate because a common tendency while in transition is to over think things. Many assume there is one right answer, one chance to get it, pick the best fit, “figure it out” , so they expend all their energy researching and checking and panicking and regretting and it actually isn’t the most skillful or healthy way. No matter how hard it is to remember, there are always choices. Panic and desperation will just make sure they are invisible.

1) Meditation. Even 3 minutes a day of the thing people just can’t stop talking about. Just sit down, watch your breath, notice that your mind keeps producing thoughts that you seem to persistently want to follow, kindly return your attention to that in and out air thing. And again.

2) Better than usual self care. Especially if the transition is job or finance related,  this can seem counter intuitive. But, if stress causes illness and discomfort and both almost ensure behaviors that take us away from our bodies.  And, b, the information we need to move through the transition will come directly from listening to our bodies, doesn’t it make sense to take extra care?

3) Examine your relationship to fear (anxiety) I propose that fear be seen as a question. The less evolved part of you asking the more skillful part, “are things going to be ok?” “Yes, everything is going to be all right,”  is the proper and true response. Can you think of a time in your life when someone has simply said those comforting words to you in the proper context and it was so relieving? Or perhaps you’ve been the one saying it for someone else and got to watch the soothing affect a little reassurance can have on a person?
During times of transition there is far more than the usual amount of “not knowing”.  Therefore, a lot more trust is required than under normal circumstances, which is not always an easy thing. I invite you to try a simple practice for 3 days. Nothing can be completely destroyed in 3 days with a simple behavior experiment. Trust me. Whenever the completely appropriate fear arises, try simply telling yourself with some conviction that things are going to be o.k., even better than o.k. Then move on. Physically. See what happens for you. You can always take an onramp to anxiety if you feel the experiment isn’t working. It will be there.

4) Trust building. Transition is a great time to open your mental folder of memories where you’ve stored all the times you’ve been terrified, felt abandoned and alone, maybe even thought you wouldn’t make it and against all odds, you triumphed! (don’t have that folder? you have just made this “7 Ways to…” get a journal…make a list). This is the time to lightly touch those positive “moments of glory” memories, as you sift through them. I bet you might even end up smiling. This is NOT the time to pull up the folder of perceived failures or to make a sojourn back through your life using a particularly negative or shortage lens. Can you remember things that got you through during those  hard times? Remember people that supported you that surprised you? Why not decide to see everyone as a potential friend right now? Why not look at each person you see each and immediately get curious about what transitions they have traversed? Why not tell people what you are going through, expecting support. WHY NOT ask for help? This is another practice. Try it for 3 days. Nothing can be completely destroyed in 3 days by a behavioral experiment. Except maybe a tendency towards delusional alienation. If it seems facile, like denial, your old habits are still available. But give seeing support and community a try now. Chances are, if you could make a small act to help someone else’s transition easier for a total stranger, you would do it. Why wouldn’t they?

5) Clear your head! However you do this best, the ideas happening for you need to be recorded and most importantly moved off the assembly line. If you think in pictures-draw the big one and the little steps. Lists? Macro & micro. And keep it up. Daily if possible. As the days go by, you will get more and more information on the road to your goal-get it down-don’t forget it. And clear your mental work space so it’s open and clear for the next great ideas already starting to spark.

6) Curiosity and being open. A last note on transition. Have you ever thought you knew exactly where you were going and ended up somewhere entirely different? How was that? Did you ever note later that it might have worked out better than your original plan? In a time of “not knowing” how open are you to learning from an unexpected experience or following a surprise lead? How ready are you to try new things on for size, from ideas to books to workshops in related fields to trips? The more a sense of play and excitement can be brought to transition, the more the body can relax and remain receptive to the information you need. The epiphanies will come, the connections will be made, the movement will happen. Sometimes without knowing it, the final shift will take place that has you looking back months later saying, “I was really in the middle of it then!” Because the in between places don’t last forever. Transitions all come to an end. And with all the mindfulness, positive focus, self care, experimentation, trust and sense of community, you might even find yourself missing it a little bit.

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heidi@heidifyodermft.com

the Flying Dutchman

Did anyone ever hassle you about your behavior when you were a teen, griping about who you were hanging out with…who you were choosing to date, how you were acting? Ridiculous question, right? Adolescence is all about (1/2 un)consciously doing things that will cause your adults to do exactly that. There are many reasons why, that differ with culture, but that is not the point here.

The point here is that the adults who raise you often try to “instill values” in you that will last through this period of rebellion. You might not realize they succeeded until you grow up, run off to the West Coast, and end up partnered to someone you can’t understand, with whom you share a flat, and who keeps borrowing your bike!

You’re saving every penny hoping to buy a house…isn’t that how everyone thinks? Sweetie is secretly adding Comcast channels to get more sports coverage. It’s Sports!

Your partner is having lunch with someone cute from work…but there is no harm in it, everyone flirts. You’re  outraged but think nothing of working a 75 hour work week in a job you love. Everyone understands work is important.

You get forced to move out of your apartment. One family shows up to help move and offer a little financial support. This brings up an old fight about how the parents of the other family have never been supportive of their offspring-in-law and how their offspring has never confronted them about it. Each partner thinks the way s/he is behaving is normal, and it is…for them.

What are “Values” anyway? They are just strongly held beliefs, but so strongly held that the just in that sentence might upset someone! And THAT’S where the trouble comes in. Not only do people feel that the way they were raised, therefore their beliefs/values are normal, they generalize their experience to everyone else without realizing it. These values are emotionally laden because they are family heirlooms, whether connected with positive or negative connotations, and they are endogenous, meaning so much a part of a person, it’s easy not to know they are there .

Have you ever felt genuinely shocked to find that someone feels differently about you on an issue that you didn’t realize had another option. Anything else was just WRONG. Have you ever made a decision to continue feeling that way even after you realized s/he might have some completely different relationship to that issue than you? I think everyone has. Maybe you softened , hopefully you  had some more conversations and softened later. Not necessarily changing your views, but just allowing room for others. Maybe not. Maybe you just decided to think that person was a person you wouldn’t be trusting anytime soon, and that might be the right choice.

The interesting thing about these values is that they are such a part of who we are, that often the very thing we are attracted to about another person has to do with their different values. You’ve always been spontaneous, creative and they are more organized and diligent etc. Good for a spark, but more difficult for a fire…the kindling of a relationship.

John Gottman studied couples for decades, those who made it and those who didn’t. The ones that stayed together for 30 years had some interesting characteristics. One of which I believe has to do with this discussion of values. Each couple had some 7-10 things they gravely disagreed on when they first got together. When he checked back in with the ones who were still together 30 years later…yup, still 7ish things that they gravely disagreed on. Some, interestingly had changed, but most were the same. I bet that these were values…like loyalty, how money gets treated, how sexual energy gets treated, etc.

The two things Gottman found about these couples were this:

1) These couples were best friends-they treated each other with respect, affection, and empathy. They made sure each perspective was heard and understood.

2) When dealing with conflict, each said five positive things for each negative thing about the other person! They knew conflict was inevitable and it had to be handled gently and hopefully rarely so they could get back to life and having fun.

So, this sounds like one of those things that is more easily said than done. If communicating around emotionally charged values were easy, we’d all be doing it like surfing…ok, not like surfing.

But we can use it as a goal. When having discussions around money or that flirty coworker or family issues:

1) set a time limit-this probably won’t be solved today…let’s talk about it for twenty minutes.

2) what goal do we absolutely need to reach today?

3) let’s not have the discussion right after we wake up, get home from work, right before leaving for work, or going to bed.

4) let’s each think of a sweet thing we can do for the other person or have a plan to do with the other partner when we are finished.

5) let’s remember to take time outs if we get too emotional

6) set another time to talk again if need be, and DROP THE SUBJECT

Remember: what you focus on gets bigger, so why not focus on the good stuff.

If you would like more information about staying happily partnered, communication, assertiveness skills, or therapy/coaching in general please feel free to get in touch

www.heidifyodermft.com

heidi@heidifyodermft.com

The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by J. Gottman

There seems to be a lot of confusion about this in the relationships I encounter.

Several times a day I hear someone say s/he really doesn’t want to do something. But s/he is going to do it anyway because-and in creeps this you know what I mean tone that makes me want to look around to see who it is that knows what they are referring to. Like I missed an all-important episode of some sitcom that then defined a relationship pattern for our time.- Because of course they are doing this thing for a partner, or a friend, or even a parent. Of course there are times when this is just showing up for family, or community, or even keeping a commitment that no longer seems as enticing as it did when one made the plan. But what happens when this kind of thing becomes an ongoing pattern?

During the week there are events you aren’t excited to attend for work, and one for your partner’s work as well. The weekend arrives and there is that baby shower that your friend really wants you to show up for and a family dinner on Sunday, both of which you could happily skip in favor of anything from a hike to a nap with a good book. If a person isn’t careful, an entire life can be lived full of things that make sense as an iPhone appointment but not a experience.

Why does this happen? Well of course culturally we are supported, some cultures more than others, to be a part of our families, our communities. We are expected to keep close ties to churches, social groups, work, friends with whom we share a college history, identity cultures, and more. We want to support the arts. We want to see our friends. We are social beings. And beings who require, some more than others, down time to rejuvenate, reflect, relax, create, connect. Once set in motion, it is easier to stay in motion than it is to stop.

But there is something else at work here as well that I think we are all familiar with, hating to disappoint. The guilt people feel for saying “no”. It may seem silly, but these are weighty matters. I see many people allowing the barrage of requests and demands of daily life actually define the course of their lives for them. They are so loathe to face not meeting the expectations of someone important to them.

But we are powerless over other peoples’ expectations of us, and indeed their happiness in any form. To think that our friends or family would crumble under a moment of disappointment from us is either giving them very little credit or ourselves a bit too much. If it is retaliation in some form that is feared, then perhaps a good look at the quality of the relationship is something that has been put off for too long.

There is a lovely phrase, “Thanks so much for inviting me. I’d love to attend, but I am previously engaged.”, that works wonders for letting people know they are appreciated while still keeping your freedom. There is also the elegant, “That sounds fun, may I check my schedule and get back to you?”

In the long run, it is really your happiness that matters and you are not powerless over that. In fact, you are the one responsible. Perhaps it might be beneficial to wonder if you are disappointing yourself. Have you been saying no to yourself all along? Not meeting your own expectations? Did you ever even consider yourself in the equation? If you start thinking of all the times you put your own needs/desires aside to attend to those of others….

it’s not too late to run out for some flowers

or you can still get good Giants tickets online

But if I were you, I would think of something fast!

I think the word “Guilt” used to have more meaning. Like “depression” or “genius”. It lost a certain gravity with overuse, perhaps. The good old American Heritage (not having access to Webster’s at the moment) has this to say about “guilt”:

1) The fact of being responsible for the commmission of an offense. (references blame)
2) LAW, Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty
3) Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong
4) Guilty conduct, sin

So there is, actually, Legitimate Guilt. One could say it is a signal, like pain, that something has gone awry. Except we happen to be responsible for that state of affairs and the guilt is our call to action- time to take proper steps! We have not honored one of our values, have hurt another, and it is time to amend behavior, acknowledge responsibility, make a heart-felt apology…whatever the case may be. And let me caveat (yes, I am verbing that and ruining the language, I take full responsibility) this post by saying, this is a discussion of day-to-day human interactions. We are talking about taking someone’s yogurt from the office refrigerator, not giving them credit for their idea, maybe even sleeping with their girlfriend. This does not include #’s 2 or 4,  let’s say.

But how does this fit in with all the talk of guilt I hear? There is what I call Haute Guilt- speaking loudly about how guilty one feels over whatever one should be doing something about but has absolutely no intention whatever of doing anything about. This includes anything from refraining from indulgence in a physical pleasure of some kind to volunteering to sending money to Haiti, but the main part is that others hear you expressing it.

There is also Negation Guilt. I find this a little hard to narrow as I hear it in so many forms. Mostly it is a form of allowing a person to always be out of the present moment and always feel bad about themselves. If they are answering email, they should be doing laundry-how could they? If they fell asleep while reading a book of substance, my god! They played well at their show, but they missed a chord. Everyone feels soo guilty. They could have done better!

Then there is the saddest guilt, Mop Up Guilt. The kind empathic people sometimes can’t help but feel when they are around people committing heinous acts without a shred of conscience. It is as if the actions create the entity of guilt. If the person responsible won’t feel it, those not guarded against it sometimes will. Especially if the truly guilty party is a family member. Or a member of a shared cultural or ethnic group. If your brother has been found drunk again on the neighbor’s lawn and feels no remorse?

Finally, I want to mention Wallowing Guilt. This is Legitimate Guilt that has not been addressed. Similar to a wound that has become infected it begins to affect ability. It lowers self-esteem, prevents the setting of healthy boundaries, keeps connection and intimacy at bay.  Make no mistake, feeling this kind of guilt is a choice, even if the wallower isn’t completely aware of it. But Wallowing Guilt actually allows others to control the wallower. If you have wronged someone and haven’t made it right, don’t you cringe when you see them? Mightn’t you go overboard in other areas that actually get you into trouble because you are feeling bad about that particular unaddressed incident? The other person involved could be getting some extremely mixed messages. Good communication is really completely out the window when guilt is prolonged.

So these are just a few examples that I have noticed in the sea of guilt that seems to be rising in the world. I wonder if other people are noticing this kind of thing in themselves or others. I like to wonder what sort of purpose a thing serves and what it is connected to. I like to not reach conclusions but just wonder…This is making me think about responsibility. I am thinking about  cultures in which, if you have it really good, you traditionally verbally downplay your luck so the gods won’t hear you and take things away. I am wondering about unconscious forms of sacrifice instead of directness and the roles class plays in the way people communicate.

I’m wondering about a guilt-free day…

Is cold turkey safe?

Exercise has always been something of a prescription I took for mood, myself, so I can speak with years of experience to its efficacy in that capacity. Also,I recognized early on my ability to get more out of this treatment when I was able to take it outdoors. Over the years the invitation of friends and rainy weather would occasionally cause me to take my running indoors for a time. But once there, I discovered I lost half of the luster of my activity! I had also slowly developed a way of meditating while I ran and that turned out to be completely impossible for me in a gym. I finally took my running back outside and stayed there, even in the pouring rain. In fact rainy days became one of my favorite times to run, when I could see (few) others in Golden Gate Park, soaked to the skin, grinning at me with our shared knowledge and silliness.

Well, recently I read that Mind, a mental health resource bank, did a study on exactly this topic and their results were astonishing to me, and then they weren’t…of course.

“Mind launches new green agenda for mental health
New research:
71 per cent report depression decrease after green walk,
22 per cent report depression increase after urban walk in mall
Leading mental health charity Mind today launches a groundbreaking new report which sets a new green agenda for mental health. With a mass of new and growing evidence, Mind calls for Ecotherapy to be recognised as a clinically-valid frontline treatment for mental health problems. As 93 per cent of GPs have prescribed drugs due to a lack of alternatives and access to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy takes up to four years in some areas of the UK, it is vital that Ecotherapy is considered by GPs alongside these as a treatment option.”

Ecotherapy involves getting outdoors and getting active in a green environment as a way of boosting mental wellbeing. Whether it’s taking regular walks in the park, flying a kite or participating in a gardening therapy project, green exercise is proven to have huge benefits for mental health. The prescription of care farms as a treatment for mental distress has been highly successful on the continent but the UK is lagging far behind Europe – there are only 43 care farms in the UK, none of which are directed at mental health, compared to 600 in the Netherlands and 400 in Norway.”

http://www.mind.org.uk/news/1795_go_green_to_beat_the_blues

Here’s the link in case you would like to browse the entire study.
Interesting stuff.